All those whom would never be

I had a dream a few weeks ago.

I walked into a room. This room was filled with people. Male, female, intersexed, gay, etc.. all walks of life.
All of them.. somewhat familiar, but I couldn't put a finger on it. They seem to be cousins or relatives of a sort. Someone came up and greeted me.

"Hi" She said with an odd excitement. "You're new, or maybe, I just haven't met you."
"My name is combination 17830284156123. What's your combination number?"

I replied, "I don't have a number."

With a curious look, she said "oh, well... I guess from your corner, you guys don't label yourself like that hm? Of course, around these parts, since we've gotten tired of just saying 'hey you'. We decided to give yourselves the designations of the combination."

"Oh, designation? Then my name is Dark".

With that her eyes grew wide in realization of who I was.
"You're the one! The one that made it!"

Shouting from the tops of her lungs she gathered as many people as she could.
Bewildered, I just stood there dumbstruck.

"I guess you wouldn't know," she continued after calming down a bit, "but we, are the unborn combinations of you.
"We, the millions of people here are the you that never was."

As I looked around I see myself in them, all my age, all of them with similar features to my own. All walks of life I could have been. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Some with deformities, some absolutely flawless, some identical twin.
Yet here I stand. With a name.The gravity of it all hit me.

I stood there looking at the crowd gathering. Each of them looking up expectantly at me, seemingly wanting me to say something, to do something.
With every ounce of courage I could muster I spoke resoundingly.
"I have been fortunate to be the one selected out of the millions of you that did not come to be. Though my life is uneventful and rather unremarkable, I do not squander the gift I have been given and denied you."

I woke up.

I marvel at all the possibilities that could have been, but here I stand. My life unremarkable, uneventful, and for the most part quite common.

But such greatness is grander than any divine plan, greater than any "meaning", itself is beautiful and elegant.
I have won the greatest proverbial lottery ever played. And the jackpot, A chance to live.

Odd thoughts that cross my mind

I was contemplating something that happened a while back. Perhaps it isn't anything in particular, but just something rather odd.

I was hanging out with some people I knew, I guess you can call them friends, though not really close friends. And, as guys would have it, we started to boast about our past dealings with women, love, and the topic of virginity.

The time came around to share my story. My first time was with a gorgeous and beautiful girl. I started to explain how gorgeous she was, how beautiful she was. I started to say how I'm glad it wasn't with someone fat, ugly, and whom I'd regret. As with guys, and especially with guys you're not too close with, it's a topic where you don't necessarily share your deeper feelings. It as strictly a platonic bolster.

From the left rear seat, we'll call him G for the time being. He spoke up. He is a rather intellectual person, and highly opinionated.
"That's not how I'd like to remember my first time, I'd expect it to be deeper than that."

Something inside of me snapped.... How dare this pompous idiot tell me I'm shallow without even really knowing the full story.

I instantly responded with.
"Hey G, maybe you're right... Maybe I should remember her the way she really was. I should remember how I threw my heart and everything I had into our relationship, how much love I devoted to her and only her only to have my heart ripped into a thousand pieces by her cheating, lying, and cruel desires."

By this time, my car was quiet. I added, "but hey, at least she was cute."

Even to this day, that moment irritated me. Of course when G is around, I'll put in a smile and act friendly. But still it irritates me.
His overly opinionated position probably stems from his relative intellect with those around him. And perhaps that's what irritates me. Because I can identify with it, and luckily I have grown out of it because of the environment I've been fortunate to have.
G isn't used to being challenged by someone of equal or greater intellect than himself, he's used to people relying on what he says to be truth, or at least logically inductive truth. Well tough, I'm smarter than you G. I don't say this out of empty bolster, I simply am. I don't take the crap that comes out of your mouth as gold. And... I have actively sought out people who are of equal intellect if not above that of my own. I value their input, I value their views, I value their constructive criticism on what I think is right or wrong. And I have grown, since I was a kid, to accept when I am wrong.
In fact, I have been told that I'm wrong about everything since I was a kid. Never did I doubt my parents on this issue until the evidence that I was correct was so undeniably blatant, did I admit to myself, that I was actually right for once.
Unfortunately, that has left a scar on my confidence, and I usually try to seek justification from someone else to validate my actions. Though, I've gotten better, there's still a hint of it every so often.
From all the time I've known G, he hasn't once admitted about being wrong about anything. And, even when I've called him on a bunch of crap he's spewed out, he still won't admit it.

Sorry G, Just because you've never been around anyone as smart as you or smarter, doesn't give you the license to assume anything of anyone, or how they should think, act, or even choose to remember. And because I am smarter than you, I will shut you down for every bullshit that comes out of your mouth. I don't care if you've never encountered that in the past, your word is not gold. I don't care if you've surrounded yourself with people who do take your word as gold. I find real friends are those who don't take your word for gold, nor do they think your words are nothing but bullshit.

End of rant.

A little story.

Someone once told me a story. It went something like this:

One day this man found himself floating in the middle of the ocean. He prayed to god to help him.
A few moments later, a piece of wood floated by. He disregarded it, He's waiting for god to save him.
Another few min went by, he sees an abandoned boat, it too floats by and he floats awaiting god's help.
A few more min went by, the coast guard comes in their helicopter and offers him help. He replies, "No thank you, God is going to save me."
He never was saved, he died.
When he got to heaven, he was furious. He approached god and demanded why god didn't save him.
God replied, I sent you drift wood, a boat, I even sent you people to save you. You are the one that rejected my help.

This was in response to my comment, "God has never revealed himself to me personally".
I would have to say, driftwood is simply driftwood, it floats by all the time.
Boats get pulled out into the ocean all the time.
Coast guards are out there to save people.
How is any of these things tied to a god?

The moral of the story of course is, that we shouldn't look for god in expected ways, we should simply let god reveal things in his own way.

But I have an issue with this. First off, I am not "looking for god". In fact, I assume he doesn't exist. I assume I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean with no one to save me.
I am going to swim as hard as I can. If I happen to find driftwood, a boat, or the coast guard. I will take up on the offer to assist me to getting to shore. I will NOT attribute it to a god.
If I die, at least I know I tried my best to preserve my life.

Which brings me to my final questions. Why would you look for signs of a god? Isn't it a presumption to assume there is a god? Wouldn't "looking at evidence to dictate where the answers are" be a better approach?